Friday, May 8, 2009

The Twilight Widower

Thanks to the lovely gals on the Nest, I came across this blog: Twilight Widowers Anonymous. I immediately sent the hubby the link to it. I am sure he will open his inbox and just shake his head. He's probably shaking his head right now while reading this blog post.
Anyways, my husband has unfortunately become a "Twilight Widower". Because of my Twilight obsession, I have severely neglected the house and him during this process. My poor substitute for meals has been shameful. He has commented on several occasions, about the smirk on my face, while I have been glued to my laptop. I don't need to respond, as he already knows the answer.
Thankfully, he has been very understanding of my addiction, so when I came across that blog, I hoped he could get a good laugh out it. Here is the Twilight Widower's about me section:
Twilight Widower
I am one among a growing legion; an overly indulgent "significant other" who looked the other way while this Vampire Pretty Boy moved in on my woman.
In his blog he goes on to talk about the 5 stages of the Five stages of Twilight-Widower-Grief (Suspicion, Denial, Anger, More Anger, Complacency). I think the hubby might be in between Suspicion and Denial.

"I myself have gone through these stages.

Suspicion ("Honey? Are you watching Twilight again?" and "Did you just call me 'Edward'?")

Denial ("I'm sure it's just a phase. I don't mind ironing her work clothes.")

Anger ("No, I am not making mushroom ravioli again!")

More Anger ("No, we are not buying tickets for the Twilight cruise!")

Complacency ("Here, honey, I printed up Midnight Sun and bound it for you. Now you won't get eyestrain.")

Now that I have resigned myself to the role of complacent Twilight Widower, I have discovered that despite the seemingly endless neglect us Twi-Widowers often endure, there are some surefire ways to get the wife to pay attention to you (albeit for a few sweet, brief minutes until the latest New Moon news is posted).

Here is my advice to you, fellow long-suffering spouse:

1. Whenever talking to her, try to sneak the words "Robert Pattinson" into your sentences. She will immediately perk up and give you her undivided attention.

(I have found this method to be particularly effective when discussing responsibility for household chores.)

2. Use pillow hair to your advantage. Tell her you are going for an "Edward Look."

3. Piggyback her around your local park and tell that she's your own personal brand of heroin. Never mind the stares – it will all be worth it when you get home.

4. Buy body glitter. The next time you are in the mood to "reap the benefits," apply liberally. (Note: It is useful to have a Handivac for the sheets afterwards.)

5. Read the Wikipedia summary of the Twilight Series, so you can pretend that you have read the books yourself. When "discussing" them, just nod sagely when she describes parts omitted in the summary.

6. When in bed, place your cold feet on the small of her back. Tell her "I bet this is how she felt on their wedding night." (Results may vary.)

7. Secretly disconnect your modem. When she begins to panic about the loss of up-to-date Twilight news, heroically restart the modem (after several false starts and mock exasperation on your part; you have to make her believe this is hard work for you). Reap benefits.

8. Start a Twilight blog yourself. Ask her for "input" regularly.

And just remember: Barring another book getting published, this whole obsession is bound to peter out in about three year's time. I'm counting the days.

Go Team Widower."


If your Twilight obsessed as well, go take a look his blog. I am sure you will have a good chuckle.

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